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Yesterday — 13 August 2025Reading

EMERGENCY POD: H20 Drama

13 August 2025 at 20:50

We’re bringing back Lennart Heim of RAND and author of Chip Wars and newly on substack, to discuss the new H20 drama, when exports were banned in April, and now selling it with a 15% export fee.

Today our conversation covers….

  • What’s at stake and the strongest arguments in favor and against selling AI chips to China

  • Will cutting off chips really make China more likely to invade Taiwan?

  • Where Trump goes from here on Blackwell exports, HBM, semiconductor manufacturing equipment, and what could change the current conciliatory direction of travel for the broader US-China relationship.

Listen now on iTunes, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app.

Why Care About AI Chip Exports to China

Jordan Schneider: Lennart, what is the H20? Why should people care about it? What were the first few months of the Trump administration doing when it came to this chip?

Lennart Heim: The H20 is a chip that NVIDIA designed as a response to export controls in 2023. It’s the typical game: you draw some lines, and then new chips get created right below those lines. The H20 is exactly such an example, but it did a neat trick.

It maxed out the specifications that are not controlled — memory bandwidth. They put the best high-bandwidth memory the world currently has on this chip and created an export control-compliant chip that was introduced at the beginning of 2024, a couple of months after the updated controls. The chip was sold throughout 2024 with lots of interest.

When the Trump administration started in January, the Biden administration didn’t get around to addressing this problem. Many officials spoke out in favor of taking action, but they never got to banning it because of many stakeholders, different opinions, and running out of time.

Trump then banned this chip, as reported in April 2025. Not through the normal regulatory process, but by using a tool called “is-informed” letters, which are pretty fast. You can send a letter to the companies that produce these chips telling them they can’t sell these chips anymore because you suspect an export control violation is going on. The administration argued this chip was simply too good.

From my personal point of view, banning the chip was a big success. This chip should not be sold. We need to reduce our thresholds — this is simply too good of a chip. That was the latest status. Then over the last few weeks, we saw some flip-flopping back and forth, with more information revealed every day. While we talk, probably more things will come out.

Jordan Schneider: Here was President Trump on Monday:

[Trump Audio Clip]:

Let me ask you two questions — one about China, one about Russia, if I could. On China, your administration agreed to send the most advanced or advanced NVIDIA and AMD chips...

No, obsolete chips. The 20s? No, this is an old chip that China already has, and I deal with Jensen, who’s a great guy, and NVIDIA. The chip we’re talking about, the H20, is an old chip. China already has it in a different form, different name, but they have it, or they have a combination of two that will make up for it, and even then some.

Now Jensen — Jensen’s a very brilliant guy — also has a new chip: the Blackwell. Do you know what the Blackwell is? The Blackwell is super-duper advanced. I wouldn’t make a deal with that, although it’s possible I’d make a deal with a somewhat enhanced — in a negative way — Blackwell. In other words, take 30% to 50% off of it. But that’s the latest and greatest in the world. Nobody has it. They won’t have it for five years.

But the H20 is obsolete. It still has a market. I said, “Listen, I want 20%. If I’m going to approve this for you, for the country, for our country, for the US — I don’t want it myself. You know, every time I say something, it’s for the Air Force.” When I say I want 20%, I want it for the country. I only care about the country, not about myself.

He said, “Would you make it 15%?” We negotiated a little deal. He’s selling an essentially old chip that Huawei has a similar chip for — a chip that does the same thing. I said, “Good, if I’m going to give it to you” — because they have what we call a stopper, not allowed to do it, a restrictive covenant — “if I’m going to do that, I want you to pay us as a country something, because I’m giving you a release.”

I released him only from the H20. Now on the Blackwell, he’s coming to see me again about that. But that will be an unenhanced version of the big one. We will sometimes sell fighter jets to a country and give them 20% less than what we have. Do you know what I mean?

Jensen, Trump, and off all people Colby Covington at Mar-a-Lago

Jordan Schneider: This is a good moment to take a step back and look at the arguments for and against selling China AI chips.

There are arguments against selling AI chips because selling helps upgrade the Chinese AI ecosystem that’s going to compete with America’s. There are specific applications of the chips that we would be selling to China that we would be very uncomfortable with — military ones, intelligence ones, or broad human rights violations that you wouldn’t want American technology to be helping to further.

There are also arguments in favor of selling. These include the idea that selling NVIDIA chips would retard domestic chip development, making it harder for SMIC and Huawei, and whoever else wants to try to build domestic AI chips to find a marketplace. There’s also the idea that selling chips into China would maintain Chinese dependency on the US stack, keeping Chinese developers using CUDA, building infrastructure around US technology. There’s some broad soft power and agenda-setting advantage that China's use of NVIDIA hardware will give to the US going forward.

Maybe we should run through those systematically. Let’s start with the biggest one, which is that you shouldn’t sell these chips to China because upgrading the Chinese AI ecosystem is a strategic threat to the US. Chris, this is almost a grand strategic question of how much of China’s rise is okay and how much isn’t, because the military intelligence and human rights applications are almost secondary to how scary you see a richer, more flourishing, more powerful China to be.

Chris Miller: I would segment out the “richer and more flourishing” side and just talk about technological capabilities. They’re interlinked, but the US strategy hasn’t been to try to make China poorer or less flourishing. The question is just who’s going to lead in AI.

The trend over the last five years, and the last 50 years, has been that if you want advanced AI, you need lots of advanced computing, and there’s a small number of companies that produce the chips in question. If you think that advanced technology has mattered in the past in geostrategic competition — which is pretty hard to argue with — it’s probably going to matter in the future. Therefore, who wins in AI matters.

Just as we would be less happy if we were all using Huawei phones and relying on Alibaba Cloud 阿里云 because there would be pretty significant political ramifications downstream of that, if we find ourselves in a future where either the US or third countries are relying on Chinese AI providers — whether for models, applications, or AI cloud — that implies less political influence for the US, a weaker US, and a stronger China. Those are the stakes.

Both sides of this argument agree on that basic framing. The question is, how best do you get there? One argument is that you restrict compute access and thereby hobble the growth of Chinese AI firms. A second argument is that you try to, as Secretary Lutnick has said, get China addicted to the AI stack. The question to ask is: how addicted are they willing to become? How addicted could you make them? Can you leverage that addiction in the future, or not? These are where the empirical questions are focused.

Jordan Schneider: One more argument in favor of selling: the idea that keeping China dependent on TSMC-fab chips lowers the risk of a Taiwan war, which I have some questions about. This is something that Ben Thompson has been pushing, which has percolated into the administration and Congress.

Will selling Beijing TSMC chips make them less likely to invade?

Lennart Heim: What do you think? What do you make of it, Jordan? I’m curious. For me, it doesn’t seem to be the main calculus behind it. I buy it on the margin.

Jordan Schneider: Maybe on the margin a little bit. There are two levels to the question. First, the political calculus to go to war or not to go to war — this would be an extremely weighty decision where the fates of nations would be at stake to do a serious blockade, strike, or actual D-Day style invasion.

Whether or not the chips are there, whether China is gaining or losing relatively in AI hardware, strikes me as about the 12th thing you would be thinking about if you were a Chinese premier. Domestic political developments in Beijing, how much you trust the PLA to not be corrupt and actually work as intended, political developments in Taipei, how willing the US seems to fight for Taiwan, how excited Japan is to let the US fight from its territory — all of those strike me as much more germane decisions.

There’s some real technological myopia among tech analysts thinking that the chips are the one thing — the Silicon Shield stopping war. As cool and important and potentially world-shaking as advanced semiconductors and artificial intelligence may be over 50 years, if you are a head of state making the biggest decision of your life, it’s not going to come down to “Well, Huawei tells me they can only make 750,000 chips in 2028, so it’s not going to work out, might as well bomb Taiwan because if we can’t have toys no-one can.”

Ben concludes his latest piece arguing that selling chips reduces invasion risk by saying that “Far too many people in this debate seem to operate as if the U.S. is the only actor in the world, with every other country, including China, operating as mere props. That’s simply not true, and accepting that is the first step to a cogent policy that preserves what leverage we still have, while minimizing the risks that too many are too unwilling to contemplate.” Ben Thompson more than anyone should know that technological progress does not reach a static end point and China has lots of case studies to point to of making it up value curves under adverse conditions. Thinking that their only out is to invade does what Ben says he wants to avoid, painting China as a prop. A more likely future where you price in agency for the government and their firms will see attempts to strive commercially under a set of geopolitical constraints, just like engineers at Deepseek did. The idea that a Chinese leader would think that “we’re missing out on AI so I guess we’ll have to start WWIII” strikes me as a bizarre conclusion.

One level down from that, there is this very open question, which we debated on Sunday’s edition of our new defense tech podcast Second Breakfast, about to what extent the chips and technology are going to be enabling ends up reshaping the military balance of power. That is still very much an open question that smart people can disagree on — whether what you can do with putting chips in your autonomous drones so they can target without interference, or whatever. You can imagine a lot of different crazy futures where AI matters.

By the way, it could work in the other direction, lowering the risk of a Taiwan war if America has a big lead when it comes to semiconductors. Then a leader in Beijing would look at the military balance of power and the advantage that US and Taiwanese forces get from being more AI-applied, and think, “There’s no chance of us winning. Why even try to play this game in the first place?”

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Chris Miller: The other key facet here is that if you look at sales of advanced chips from Taiwan and its ecosystem to China, most of them are not AI chips. It’s mostly smartphone chips and PC processors. AI chips are a portion, but a small portion. This gets back to the question you’ve raised on a lot of shows, Jordan: how AI-pilled is Xi Jinping?

The answer doesn’t seem very AI-pilled. The best evidence for this is that SMIC and its seven-nanometer production are still producing a whole lot of smartphone chips, which you would not do if you thought we were in a race for AGI that will define the future. Both of those facets again point against the Silicon Shield as it relates to AI chips being central here.

Lennart Heim: Just to clarify, they’re not allowed to produce AI chips at TSMC. They can produce everything else there. Why not? Because Ante — they did some bad stuff — but almost every other Chinese company can just go to TSMC and produce chips there. There’s a significant flow of chips from Taiwan to China as we’re speaking right now, just ideally not AI chips. We had some hiccups in the past where there were also AI chips.

Chris Miller: A key question, Lennart, is how obsolete is the H20 relative to what Blackwell can do, but probably more importantly, what Huawei can do? Want to walk us through the numbers?

Lennart Heim: I don’t think it’s fair to describe the H20 as an obsolete chip.

Chips have many specifications. Let me break it down to two simple ones. We should care about computational power — how many FLOPS it has, how many operations per second it can crunch. But then also memory bandwidth, which means you need to read and write memory. The memory capacity and bandwidth — how fast you can read and write this memory — is key.

One of the key inventions we’ve seen over the last few years, which AMD did first, is so-called high bandwidth memory, which is a complex technology. We’ve got three companies in the world doing it right now: SK Hynix, Samsung, and Micron, building this HBM.

The H20 is bad on the FLOPS — seven times worse than the H100, even worse, 14 times worse than upcoming chips like B100s or more. It’s not a competitive chip there. But on the memory bandwidth side, which is again key for deploying chips, it’s pretty good. It’s even better than H100 because the H100 uses five units of HBM, whereas this one has six units of HBM. It gets a mind-boggling four terabytes per second of high-bandwidth memory.

No Chinese chip has such good high-bandwidth memory. More importantly, even if they have the right now, the Ascend 910C, which has some HBM at 3.2 terabytes per second, they’re not allowed to buy it anymore. It’s been banned since December 2024. Right now, China is struggling to get its hands on this HBM. They’re trying to produce it domestically, but this will take time, and even if they produce it domestically, it would initially be worse.

I don’t think the H20 is an obsolete chip. It’s a pretty competitive chip. It’s fair to say it’s a worse chip than many others, but if you look at this other dimension — the dimension of deployment — it’s pretty good. It’s really good.

Chris Miller: That is one of the key axes of debate. Some people say the goal is to stop China from training high-end models, and therefore, you focus on the FLOPS. If your goal is to constrain inference, you focus more on memory bandwidth. Walk us through the way these different chips are used.

Lennart Heim: That’s a fair debate we should be having here. We should think about export controls: what do we want them to achieve? Right now, it’s fair to say that the H20 is not an amazing chip for training AI systems. There are some things that numbers don’t always capture. You still build on top of the NVIDIA software stack. If your company used NVIDIA before, there’s a pain in switching. There are a bunch of problems with Huawei chips that you don’t see in the specifications — they overheat, you need more of them, the software stack isn’t great yet, and you can’t even get enough.

All of these things just mean that the H20 is not a great training chip, but beyond the numbers, you’re still stuck on the software ecosystem.

On the training goal, that’s still being achieved here. Where the debate begins is what we think about deployment. What I’ve learned over time is that if you want to be precise — if your goal is to only stop them from training, but everything else is below, or you only stop them from training big systems — it’s really hard to be precise on all of this. AI is ever-changing.

The biggest thing we’ve seen over the last few months is this rise of test-time compute of AI models thinking — how they think, how they produce tokens. That’s what the H20 is amazing at. One could say the usability and importance of the H20 only went up since we got models that do more thinking, generating more tokens, and also generating tokens to then train the next generation of AI systems. These are the arguments that Paul would say: “Well, actually, this is a pretty good chip for producing these new things that are more important in the AI development lifecycle.”

Chris Miller: The other argument that the president made is that Huawei already makes these chips, which is true to an extent, but walk us through the numbers there as you see them. There are questions both about the quality of Huawei’s chips as well as the numbers that can be produced. Secretary Lutnick said they can produce 200,000 a year, and I suppose that’s right. How does that compare with what we’re going to see with H20s?

Quality or Quantity?

Lennart Heim: The key dimensions here are quality and quantity. Many always talk about the quality argument here. I think the quantity argument is way more important. You already mentioned a number — Lutnick said Tesla also testified that 200,000 Ascend chips are being produced in 2025. How does this compare to the US? We’re churning out around 10 million chips this year — significantly more. This means if we’re selling — and there have been projections about NVIDIA selling a million H20s — we sell them five times more than what they can produce.

This is where the debate starts. The quantity argument is key here. If you would only sell them a couple thousand or 200,000 something, that’s a vastly different debate than selling a million or potentially even more. Just the sign that China wants to buy them speaks to their problems producing domestic chips.

On the quantity side, China’s simply not there yet. They’re getting better and producing more chips as we speak, but they have many difficulties along the way to produce more chips. Do they have enough high-bandwidth memory? How good is the smuggling operation to get this memory? How good is the packaging yield? All of these things just add up so that you eventually really can’t produce competitive chips.

The chips they get out of it — if you compare the Ascend 910C to NVIDIA’s best chip right now, which is being sold, the B200 — it’s way worse. It’s way worse on the high-bandwidth memory part, and it’s also way worse on the computational performance. It’s also worse than the H20, which you’re selling, at least on the memory part.

The point is, if you’re selling the H20 — and what many missed, there’s a chip, at least there were rumors around it, and pretty good rumors — there’s a chip called the H20E. What does it do? It doesn’t use HBM3. It uses HBM3E. I previously said it has four terabytes per second. If you use HBM3E, you can probably go up to five terabytes per second or even more.

What indications do we have that this chip is not getting sold? The FLOPS are still being kept, but the memory just continues going higher and higher and higher. That’s another thing to be tracking here. As long as we don’t have updated regulations for it, we just don’t know where the line is going to be drawn here in terms of quality of memory bandwidth, but also most importantly in terms of quantity.

If I could ask for one thing, please reduce the quantity. That’s the key thing we should pay attention to here.

Jordan Schneider: One of NVIDIA’s lines that Jensen has been saying they used to have 95% market share before the restrictions, and now it’s down to 50%. First off, they’ve never actually given numbers for that. But second, I’d guess that they were the only people making accelerators that people wanted. Even if it did go down to 50%, it’s not like it was the same pie — the pie went down such that the 5% it used to be now turns into 50% of the whole pie. The idea that Huawei — that number does not tell you that Huawei necessarily can fill it up.

As Lennart said, Jensen cares about this because lots of Chinese companies are willing to spend — his projection is what, $15 billion a year in sales? To think that Huawei and Baidu, and Tencent — they are not dumb. They are going to spend billions and billions of dollars in CapEx. By the way, this CapEx number seems small if you’re talking about Google and Meta, but is pretty large relative to the total CapEx that you’re seeing from the Chinese hyperscalers. They’re doing this because they think it is useful and important and relevant to their AI ambitions going forward, not to do Jensen a favor or anything.

Existential Priorities, Moral Values and AI Chips

Chris Miller: Could we talk about what we know in terms of who in China will be the large-scale buyers of these chips? Jordan, you mentioned Tencent, Alibaba. There’s AI firms like DeepSeek. There’s ByteDance, a huge player in China’s ecosystem. Lennart, if you have a sense of numbers, if any of those are public, or at least talk about who are the buyers of these chips inside of China?

Lennart Heim: I don’t think we have public reporting of it exactly. There’s definitely been some reporting that big hyperscalers, the big cloud companies — Tencent, ByteDance and others — are definitely interested in this. I’m not sure how interested ByteDance is because they’re building tons of clusters in Malaysia, which by the way, can buy whatever chips they want there and just continue building.

The normal hyperscalers will continue buying these kinds of chips, but they’re all hedging. They all also get Ascend chips. They’re not stupid. We just see with the policy flip-flopping, they don’t know when they’re going to get cut off. They’re all just hedging with Huawei Ascend chips while they’re getting better, because something we would just subsidize the transition while we do this.

That’s the thing I’m worried about here. It’s just a case that Huawei will get better, they will produce better chips. The chips will be significantly worse and significantly less quality than the US, but they will get better. That’s the thing we all need to acknowledge. There was a policy at some point which was made, which was telling Huawei they will need to produce their own chips. That’s just the path we’re going down here. There’s no going back here. The question is: what do we do in the meanwhile? How big will the gap potentially be? I’m a firm believer that this will be quite a massive gap, which will have big impact on the AI competition.

Chris Miller: That is one of the key lines of debate, but also empirical questions that’s hard to research or get hard data on, which are the decisions of the private tech firms in China, the Alibabas, the Tencents, and others. Because to the extent that you’re right, that there’s a meaningful quality difference between NVIDIA and Huawei GPUs, for example, they got a strong incentive to build as much as possible on NVIDIA.

You can see an argument that says, well, they’re going to buy Ascends, but put them in the closet or not really take them seriously because they want to build their products. But you’re saying no, that’s probably not the case because even those firms that don’t have a strong incentive on their own to help out Huawei, do in the context of potential future export controls and loss of access to NVIDIA chips. The argument that controls align the incentives of Tencent and Alibaba with Huawei and the Chinese state — you think those incentives are already fully aligned.

Lennart Heim: More importantly, we should always work through the arguments for it. There are arguments in favor of selling H20s, and that’s the same debate to be had here. On the other side, it sometimes lacks some technical details here.

The market share argument is a fair argument — you want to maintain NVIDIA’s bigger market share, and reduce demand for Huawei. I just don’t think that’s the case.

It’s an existential priority for China to develop the semiconductor industry.

Importantly, it’s not like the semiconductor industry only gets better because of AI chips. The majority of chips the world produces are not AI chips. Who’s producing at the most advanced node at SMIC, but also TSMC? It’s Apple. Usually we produce mobile phones first there, so they’re pushing it forward anyway for the newest Huawei smartphone that will probably soon produce something like a six-nanometer node, which will then be leveraged to produce better AI chips.

Even if you reduce the market demand right now, semiconductors will get better and these will lead to better AI chips eventually. If they then just transition to this, then also what is the tech stack argument here? Sure, we keep them hooked on CUDA, and it’s a pain to go from CUDA to PyTorch to MindSpore to the Huawei ecosystem. We can model this as a one-time transition cost. Many American companies have done this. Google switched to TPUs at some point. OpenAI right now is using Trainium chips on AWS. They pay a significant amount of cost to switch and run these different hardware stacks. But eventually they’re doing it, and they’ll also eventually do it with Huawei.

It’s not like if you use CUDA, your systems are more aligned. If you sell China AI systems that don’t spit out CCP propaganda, I’m in favor of that. That’s spreading American values, liberal values. That seems fine. But if you were just selling them chips, there are no values, no constraints that come with selling chips. You can just do whatever you want on it.

That’s again where we’re just missing this tech component. We kind of got it right in the UAE: sell them the cloud, let Microsoft build here, versus here we just sell the underlying component. They can build whatever they want on top of it. That’s just missing in the debate.

Chris Miller: This is a key aspect of the export control debate that’s fascinating. A lot of people don’t get this: if you restrict sales of tools, then you hurt the tool makers, but you help the users of those tools. In the chip industry, if you sell fewer lithography tools, it’s bad news for ASML, but it’s probably good in the long run for TSMC and other companies that face less Chinese competition. Similarly, if you sell GPUs to China, it’s bad news for GPU sellers. Or sorry, it’s good news for GPU sellers, but bad news for US AI firms who face stronger competition.

One of the strategic questions is at which level do you try to cut off? The US has, until recently, cut off at multiple levels and is now shifting. Well, we’ll see where we are next week, but this week it seems like it’s shifted towards a policy of sell the GPUs but keep the controls on the chip-making tools.

Lennart Heim: Which makes sense. If we would reverse, selling them extreme ultraviolet lithography machines from ASML, I would be way more on a rampage than selling them AI chips. I also complain more if we start selling Blackwells over H20s. That’s a fair debate we should be having here. People can fall into different types of positions here. We can disagree on some arguments here. You have these different types of controls, which stack with each other, and the AI chips are the first ones to fall. That makes sense.

Chris Miller: One of the arguments is that if you make China addicted to AI chips, you gain long-term leverage. The mental model that people think of here is: if you get them using EUV lithography tools, they don’t have their ecosystem, and it takes a decade to try to replicate your tools. So maybe this is a good one for Lennart. Does the same dynamic hold here, or if not, why? What are the differences?

Lennart Heim: There are many different facets of being addicted to something. In the ideal case, it just means all Chinese firms are really reluctant to adopt Chinese chips, and therefore, they have less revenue. SMIC is wondering, nobody wants to buy their chips, and instead, all the Chinese just buy US chips.

I already talked about how SMIC and semiconductors get better anyway, independent of AI. But it’s a fair thing to say: the less people use Huawei’s AI software ecosystem, the worse it is. That’s a fair argument to be made. I just think they know they want to produce it anyway. They just know we need our AI chips at some point. They’re not full steam on this. Maybe they could go stronger if they wanted to. Maybe they’re full steam on it, but they just don’t do better for many reasons.

China is using the US tech right now, maybe delays it to some degree, and even subsidizes it. Let’s just think about Volkswagen — you know my German heritage — and its love affair with China. How’s this going right now? Did this stop BYD? Not really. I expect the share of Volkswagen being sold to China in the future will be low. The argument to be made here: they made a ton of money in the meantime. That’s a fair argument to be made.

The reason I feel nervous about AI chips is that they increase the total compute deployment training capacity in the interim. If AGI is a singular point, AI’s just not going to materialize in five years, then all we discuss here doesn’t matter that much, because the good thing about AI chips is they get exponentially better. We’re not going to talk about H20s in five, six years from now because we have exponentially better chips already here.

That’s an argument. We can just say: don’t worry, we just sell them, we make some money, they get a little bit better AI, but AI’s not going to be decisive in the next four to five years. But then later, ideally, we stop it. We don’t sell them. We have better chips that are exponentially better. Again, it goes back to where we draw the threshold, and when and how AI matters. Which is a diffuse question.

I have a pretty uncertain view here. I’m just like, man, AI could be a really big deal in the next three to four years. It seems likely it’s going to be a big deal — bigger or less big, depending on how it goes from just transformative economic growth being determined, to the future of the military, up to just going to fizzle out. We should address this uncertainty here. I just work on national security ris,k and I’m trying to minimize downside risks. I don’t see the benefits here in the long run, that why we should sell them. Fair argument. There are some good arguments here, but overall, it doesn’t cut it, at least for me.

National Security and Politics

Jordan Schneider: When you look at some companies, it’s a really big deal having Chinese market access. Intel — 35% of their revenue is from selling CPUs into China. This was a big deal for the tool manufacturers. In some years, it was 30, 40% over the past few years. NVIDIA’s a $4 trillion company — they will be just fine and still be able to deliver you that exponential curve of rapidly improving AI chips even without the extra $10 billion of sales.

There’s the maximalist version of this question: if you are 100% sure that AI does not matter and is not a strategic technology, then yeah, sell it. Go crazy. Do whatever you want with it. But it’s a tricky line of thought where we’re writing an AI action plan where we want to make AI dominance, we think this is going to usher in a new golden age, but we’re willing to take some of this downside risk that we’re making it easier on China, which we’ve identified as a major strategic threat.

There is a broader context of the relationship that you can try to trade things in. Say, we wanted them to scuttle some submarines or stop messing with the Philippines — there are lots of other asks you can make from a balance of power regional dynamics perspective that you could have put on this. It’s wild that it didn’t even seem to be in the context of the debate or discussion between the US-China trade deal, but was just a decision that Trump made independently because Jensen got to him, and he wanted to have good vibes in the relationship, and the 15% tax we’re putting on it.

What if it went to buy drones for Taiwan or to shore up funding for BIS so they could do a better job of tracking down all the chips that are getting leaked out into China? There are some lines where if you are going to follow the premise that China is a strategic threat and we’ve got to watch and hopefully shape how much they’re going to gain on the US from a relative technological competition perspective, there are other moves you can do to use this card more in your favor than letting the other side pocket it.

Lennart Heim: What we’ve seen so far is that the H20 got sold again. Then some said it was part of the trade talks, and others denied it. Then the Chinese came out denying it was part of the trade talks. Eventually, what I don’t like about it: export control was a national security consideration. When the October framework came out, and there were certain companies in countries like Poland, Switzerland, in this tier two, many were complaining, “you’re dividing a European trade union,” but it’s a national security thing. It’s not a trade deal we’re doing here. This is at least where export controls originally came from.

Now we are mixing them with trade things, and now we get 15% of the revenue share, and amazing, let’s pay off the debt, let’s do other great things. I don’t think national security is for sale here. If we could get other national security concessions here in return, that’d be amazing. It would be nice to hear more and communicate about this. There are people like me who are willing to walk back. Hell yeah, let’s sell the H20 because we got a beautiful deal out of it.

I just don’t think 15% of the sales cuts it here. It’s just money. Money doesn’t help you.

Jordan Schneider: It’s really interesting, the analogies that Trump used in his talk, where on the one hand, he talked about selling fighter jets to allies. This is something we do — we sell F-35s to Saudi Arabia, ostensibly an ally, and we cut off a few miles per hour off its top speed or what have you. And then the other word he said: restrictive covenant. This is a real estate word. That’s the only time I’ve ever heard it used before. It’s like, okay, I am a landlord, and we’re cutting you a deal, doing some sort of deal, which is a straightforward commercial transaction, not having anything to do with national security.

I remember on Logan Paul’s podcast, he was like, “This is the most important thing and it’s going to shape the future” — to go from that to “oh, this is just another real estate deal. Yeah, I started at 20, Jensen got me down to 15.” Not without any of the grand strategic import that this decision again may not, but also may end up having for the future of this technology in the world.

Lennart Heim: Can I make a point about real estate? What you do with real estate is often you don’t sell it, you rent it out. If you want to give the Chinese computing power, rent these chips — it’s the best of both worlds. They get the computing power, you make money, you might even make more money because there is NVIDIA making money, and maybe Microsoft or your favorite hyperscaler in between. You still have more control and more leverage.

You don’t need chips in your basement to run them, you can access them remotely.

They could literally dial in. They could dial into our beautiful new UAE five-gigawatt cluster or dial in to the US and existing cloud providers. Then, in the future, if they go rogue, or you want to make sure it doesn’t go to certain military-linked entities, you usually have more leverage.

If we do the concessions we talked about — the different things we want to walk back before you sell chips — just tell them you can use the cloud, which is by the way, perfectly legal as we’re speaking right now. If they want the computing power, use our cloud. It’s all legal, you can go for it. We still make money.

Jordan Schneider: FYI Trump White House, NVIDIA employees gave to Kamala over Trump in 2024, 10 to one…

Chris Miller: There’s an interesting political economy dynamic here, which Lennart, you’re referencing, which is getting back to: if you sell the tools, you enable the chip maker; if you enable chip makers, that type of competitive dynamic.

What we’ve seen is GPU sellers, NVIDIA most prominently, being very vocal on this issue. We haven’t seen hyperscalers be vocal at all, even though one should conclude this implies more competition for them. Then we’ve seen mixed responses from AI model companies. Anthropic has been pretty vocal in opposition. I haven’t seen OpenAI. It strikes me that companies that have a lot at stake have been taking very different strategies — some being vocal, some not. I don’t know what exactly explains that.

Lennart Heim: You know which GPU they’re using? NVIDIA, and if you speak out against them, Jensen’s going to get you. If you look at Anthropic, who is slowly migrating to more Google TPUs and Amazon Trainium, you can see the deals, they can speak out against it where everybody else is reliant on Jensen.

I can at least confirm from many conversations with many people in these companies, this is part of the calculus they do here — you would rather not come out against Jensen. It’s clearly in NVIDIA’s interest. That’s why they’ve been pushing sovereign AI, selling chips as their thing. That’s beautiful. This helps them. Nobody else is doing it. This is not where Google’s coming in. The only competitor here is AMD.

NVIDIA’s market share is only going to go downhill from here. The total market will go up — AI is a big deal but AMD is getting better. Google GPUs are getting better, Microsoft chips are getting better, and Amazon chips are getting better. We have more and more startups getting better. We just have more AI chip competition. NVIDIA also feels slightly nervous about all of these issues.

I would love to live in a world where NVIDIA had a smaller market share and see what the hyperscalers and AI companies would say. Many of them would come out. OpenAI at least came out in favor of export controls historically when they talk about energy dominance and more. Right now, they’re all quiet because somebody else might then knock on the door.

Chris Miller: I’ve gotten lots of questions about what does industry think? Of course, what you’re saying is, well, which part of industry are you looking at? Which segment, which specific companies?

Jordan Schneider: Why don’t you do the HBM political economy? This has been reported that the Chinese government is asking for high-bandwidth memory as part of concession number two. What does that tell you, Lennart, that ask?

Lennart Heim: If I were running China, I would ask for high bandwidth memory over asking for H20s personally, because I’ve got my sovereign drive anyway. I want to build better and better AI chips. If I look at my current AI chip industry, I would want EUV, but maybe this is too much to ask for because we did this early on. Trump did it back in the day. But what is the thing we’ve only recently done is banning high-bandwidth memory units.

We got our chip, and next to the chip, we put the memory, and these memory units are being produced by Samsung and SK Hynix, and Micron. They’re not allowed to go to China anymore. We’ve seen reporting that at least the Chinese, again, the Chinese put forward: could HBM be traded? Is there something we can do here? I hope the US government will draw a clear red line here.

We talked about how you would walk back things. There are arguments in favor of selling chips. We talked about them. What we do here is not sell them our chips. What we do here is enable them to build better chips. The best way how the 910C or the 910D, whatever the next best chip they produce, will get better is by having higher bandwidth memory. Right now, China does not have the capacity to produce even HBM3.

There’s reporting about the first trial production of HBM3. In contrast, NVIDIA is starting to equip HBM4 and using HBM3E right now. Again, don’t get me wrong, China will get better. They will eventually produce high-bandwidth memory. There’s a lot more to be done, which could stop them from producing better memory. But in the meantime, while they’re scaling up this production and trying to get better, at least we should probably not sell them our high-bandwidth memory to make their AI chips more competitive. Because we might regret this in many years when we’re then competing in emerging markets and Huawei has a better chip, which can better compete with ours.

Chris Miller: The interesting dynamic in the memory space is that two of the three producers are not US, but Korean.

Lennart Heim: That’s also why we see probably tons of smuggling here, because it’s pretty close to China, and there are certain tricks to get more HBM. Don’t get me wrong, China is smuggling HBM right now, which is sand in the gears, but again, I’m in favor of throwing sand in the gears, and ideally, we get better enforcement, and they will get less HBM eventually.

[h2] AI Chips and Chinese Political Economy

Jordan Schneider: On July 15th, we got the news that the Trump administration is letting Nvidia start to sell H20 chips. A week later, the MSS published a notice to the public, saying to beware of digital spying via foreign-produced chips. Ten days later, the CAC — the Cyberspace Administration of China 国家互联网信息办公室— summoned Nvidia representatives over risks of being able to control AI systems in China remotely and accused them of having planted a kill switch in them.

Then we have a private leading cybersecurity research firm in China hat published a report which went viral, talking about all the ways that there could be backdoors. Ten days after that, on August 9th, state television did a whole report about how there might already be backdoors in these H20s, and they cite former ChinaTalk guest Tim Fist from CNAS and his report on this topic.

Why Beijing is pretending they hate the H20

Chris, what’s your read on this interesting brushback pitch we’ve gotten from the central organs about H20s in China?

Chris Miller: There are three potential explanations, not mutually exclusive. One is that the Chinese security services are paranoid. The discussion in Washington of the Chip Security Act, which would mandate geolocation verification, has been happening simultaneously with the H20 debate and has intensified those concerns. That’s explanation one.

Explanation two is that it’s part of an effort to discourage private Chinese tech firms from using H20s. There are people around Huawei or in the government who are afraid that H20s will take market share, and this is a way to say “buy more Huawei chips” as well.

The third explanation is that this is pressure on US firms like Nvidia to say, “We need you to do more, or else we’re not going to let you back in the market.” We’ve seen this in other segments of the tech sector, where China will ramp up pressure on a private US firm to have that firm then try to use its resources to shift the debate in Washington. You could maybe envision the HBM debate being part of what China’s looking for in the broader trade negotiations that are underway.

But it certainly wouldn’t be a very attractive endpoint for Nvidia if they got approval from the US and then didn’t get approval from the Chinese side to sell. Perhaps China thinks it has some leverage there. How exactly to attribute these three causes? I’m not exactly sure what shares I would put on each of them, but all three seem potentially relevant.

Lennart Heim: China also put out guidance a while ago on energy efficiency. This was actually in April or May when the H20 was sold before it got banned initially. They put out guidance that the H20 is famously energy inefficient if you look at FLOPS because of the export control bandwidth limitations. I don’t know exactly what this guidance means, but it discourages companies from using it.

Nobody’s been following it because now they’re buying it up in the single millions of chips. But it feeds into the same narrative here. You try to push certain companies or create artificial demand for Huawei chips and slowly tell them, “Hey guys, at some point we want to do our own AI chips.” As Chris was saying, I think all of these stories are simultaneously true. It all just makes sense, and there’s no big downside for them to do these kinds of things.

Chris Miller: Actually, there was a state media source — I don’t know if this is the one you’re referencing, Jordan — but one of its criticisms of the H20 was that it wasn’t environmentally friendly.

Jordan Schneider: They cite this exact NDRC line that Lennart talked about, where the goal is 5 teraflops or half a teraflop per watt, and the H20 can only give you 0.37.

Lennart Heim: It’s pretty bad — pretty environmentally unfriendly for training, but pretty damn environmentally friendly for deployment of AI chips. Way better than any Huawei chip, I can tell you that.

Jordan Schneider: Here’s a moment where some mirroring might be in order. We’ve just had an hour-long conversation about how messy and convoluted American policy towards artificial intelligence is, with many conflicting priorities. The same thing is happening in all these different ministries in China.

This is big news — a change in the landscape where people want to have their say and make their stamp on it. You don’t necessarily need to attribute some four-dimensional chess move. I’m sure the people in the MSS read Tim’s report and thought, “It would be stupid if we bought all these chips only for them to turn into bricks or spy on us or have bombs in them that are going to blow up like beepers in Lebanon.”

I’m sure folks in CAC feel the same way. Then there’s the same debate that we’ve been having for the past hour: is it net positive or net negative for domestic self-sufficiency to have a competitor to Huawei potentially take a big chunk of the market domestically? This is being played out in China.

At a broad level, now is the right time to ask for more from Nvidia. Now that they’ve gotten the green light and there’s $10-15 billion of demand for these chips sitting somewhere in Taiwan that they’re excited to ship out, they can say, “You better step it up or cut the price or do an extra screen to make sure there aren’t any kill switches.”

The way this is playing out on Twitter is, “Oh, China’s saying they don’t want them. That means we should sell them.” Reading that Chinese state media or state organs are saying something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true. It’s not that hard to play — let’s not even give this credit for four-dimensional chess. This is just two-dimensional chess of saying, “Oh no, we’re worried about the chips. We don’t even want these chips.” That changes the political economy of the debate in Washington, where it makes selling these chips potentially easier.

That’s something to watch out for as we see the Chinese government saying, “Ah, no, we didn’t want these all that much. This isn’t a big concession. We’re worried about the second-order effects of this.”

But the fact is, the demand is not going anywhere. It’s not as if Alibaba’s not going to buy these chips because of these warnings.

Lennart Heim: Alibaba would be pretty sad if they suddenly only needed to rely on other inferior chips, where they can’t produce enough of them. Ideally, if I were running the Chinese government, I would put out regulations that I can sell all of the Huawei chips I can produce, and then fill the rest with some nice Nvidia chips.

But what’s interesting is that there’s some misunderstanding of what the Chip Security Act is supposed to do, and location verification. The idea is not to check if a chip is in China and then have a problem. The idea is to check if a chip is in Malaysia, Singapore, wherever you think chips are being smuggled, and then verify they don’t end up in China. This was never supposed to go on chips that go to China, because ideally, we don’t have any chips going to China, at least not the advanced ones.

This is an interesting confusion. This whole debate of hardware-enabled mechanisms and location verification was big in the UAE, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, and Malaysia, all of these smuggling hotspots, that people were worried about. Some people have been pushing — if we now stop selling chips, I’m arguing we should sell them cloud — but people could say, “We can sell them chips, but put something on the chip.”

But just knowing a chip is now in China and we know its location and city — how does this help us? Everyone can dial in remotely. Even if it sits at Tencent, who says that the PLA isn’t using it? You can dial in remotely. I don’t know what’s going on there. If there’s some misinterpretation of documents, it’s a confusing situation.

Jordan, you previously made a point about Intel, which is interesting. Intel made a lot of money in China, and Intel is still allowed to sell its CPUs, but Intel’s CPU share in China is going down. We will see the same with Nvidia and AI chips. Even if you’re allowed to sell in China, your share will potentially go down. Why is this the case? There is similar guidance, for example, for all government computers to go to homegrown, domestically produced chips. “We can’t trust Intel anymore on this.” We will see the same on AI chips.

China is pushing self-reliance to produce its own AI chips. They also named security concerns here — that’s why the government is coming first. I don’t know the exact numbers of Intel sales right now in China and how much money they’re making there, but I’m pretty confident it’s been going down, and the government is not buying any more Intel chips because they just put out this guidance.

We’ve seen this playbook before. The only difference is now we have this confusion about which chips are allowed to be sold, which ones are not to be sold, and how good they are. But the story’s nothing new.

Chris Miller: Could we talk about what we know in terms of the big buyers of AI chips in China and their relationship with the state? You’ve got the private tech firms — Alibaba and Tencent. You’ve got the AI labs, DeepSeek most prominently. One of the key questions seems to be: what is the relationship with the state today, and how is it changing?

To what extent should we see them as arms of the state? That’s certainly not accurate. Totally independent is certainly not accurate either. There’s a spectrum. To what extent are these political priorities shaping their procurement decisions?

Jordan Schneider: There was some reporting which was clearly sourced by the intelligence community over the past few years that after the Chinese Ministry of State Security 国家安全部 hack of the SF-86 — that’s the form you submit to the US government when you want a security clearance, which basically is your confession of sorts to the Catholic Church where you talk about all your divorces and all your debt and everything that a foreign intelligence community might want to know about you — that data was tapped by the MSS through Alibaba and ByteDance engineers to put into a more useful format.

We’ve seen over the past few weeks reporting from Business Insider about a public tender from some corner of the PLA that wanted H20s to do whatever they wanted to do with it. I used to be more sanguine on this type of thing, but this is the most dual-use technology to beat out other dual-use technologies. It seems preposterous that, insofar as this is a strategic resource, the Chinese government would not be able to leverage data centers that are located in China — that the US does not have any kill switches or on-chip governance on — to do whatever they want with it, whether that’s building a surveillance system or helping with weapons manufacturing.

The Pentagon has now signed what I think is a $200 million contract with OpenAI, and this is just the beginning. This stuff is useful — we’re willing to pay a lot of money to get it into the Pentagon in one form or another. If selling a lot of H20s materially raises the amount of usable functional compute that can be put into anything in China — it would be really surprising if you didn’t have the Chinese government wanting to take these new tools out for a spin, if you didn’t have the Chinese military-police complex wanting to take these new tools out for a spin.

Chris Miller: There are two points you can analyze. One is: if AI tools exist, will the military use them? Obviously the answer is yes. But on the procurement side, if you’re a data center procurement official or executive at Alibaba Cloud, to what extent is your decision-making shaped by what you read in state media versus what your boss tells you to build an effective cloud, in which case maybe H20s are your best option versus a sense of — how do we think about this? Because those are the people who are going to decide how many Ascend chips to buy, unless they’re getting a dictate from the top, which maybe they are.

The counter-example I’m thinking of is there was a time when parts of the US military were using Chinese drones — not because there was a policy to use Chinese drones, but because they didn’t have any US drones. Is there a scenario in which your procurement executive at Alibaba is just going to try to ignore Ascend chips because they were told to build a good data center?

Jordan Schneider: At some level, yes. These are companies that report quarterly earnings and pay their employees based on how well the company performs. People get stock options. By and large, the incentives of the people who are buying these chips are to drive the most revenue for the money you’re spending on your CapEx.

But it only goes so far. There is this broader strategic realization, which you don’t even need Beijing to tell you — this door could be closed at any time.

Lennart Heim: We closed it.

What could change the current conciliatory White House dynamic towards China?

Jordan Schneider: Maybe now’s an interesting moment to talk about the sorts of things that could change the dynamic we’re on now on chips and the broader US-China relationship. We have Congress as a variable. There have been several senators and congresspeople who’ve been like, “Wait, what are we doing selling these chips to China? I thought we banned and said this was our golden ticket to the 21st century.”

Because Trump is doing this at such a personal level — we’ve seen him turn on Putin, right? We’ve seen him go from all-in on Putin to “we’re going to ask some questions about this guy.” We’ll see what happens in Alaska. But there is the possibility of Jensen saying the wrong thing, taking too much of a victory lap, or Xi Jinping doing something obnoxious. There are a lot of personal interpersonal dynamics that could change what the Trump administration ends up doing, which is probably the more relevant variable than whether or not Lennart can convince you that Huawei can only make X amount of chips.

Lennart Heim: It’s an interesting moment in time because we just have all of the trade negotiations, right? Everything is volatile, and certain things are just on the table, and they’d be willing to discuss them. We see the Chinese bringing forward, at least according to reporting, the idea of HBM.

It will be interesting to see what the government is going to say. It’s going to draw a red line. We had statements before the trade negotiations in London that H20 is above the red line — they wouldn’t negotiate it. We can all try to put together the story of what happened, but we won’t know for sure. But there will be more discussions about these kinds of things. The Chinese can bring it up.

But I’m also more interested in the semiconductor manufacturing equipment companies. If Nvidia got this beautiful deal, I know what we’re doing — they’re all trying to give the president a call. It seems like it’s a handful of people who are making these decisions, and I hope they’re well-informed about which things are more important. If I see any news about EUV machines being sold to China, I’m probably going to get a heart attack because I don’t want this to happen.

Jordan Schneider: From a personal transaction perspective, there isn’t someone in the semiconductor capital equipment ecosystem that Trump is going to give the time of day to. He felt like he had to deal with Jensen because this is America’s most important CEO. I don’t think any of those folks have the panache and skill to make it work.

Even Ben Thompson, who I gave a hard time earlier in this podcast, understands very clearly that there’s a lot of risk in selling more tools to China than we already have.

Lennart Heim: Going even further, it wouldn’t be good for Jensen if Huawei is not good at producing AI chips. It wouldn’t be in their interest to say, “Hey, yeah, let’s make sure we sell ASML chips. Let’s make sure to hit them on every single dimension we can to make sure Huawei is just less competitive.” I would love to see that this would be at least a good part of the story here.

Chris Miller: Congress will be interesting to watch on this issue. The trend in Congress has been vocally pushing for tougher controls, both in the first Trump administration and under Biden — not universally, but that’s been the predominant push. We need to watch Senator Cotton, for example, and what he does or does not say publicly on this issue.

Jordan Schneider: Chris, do you want to tease out the Russia comparison a little bit? Congress was really not happy. They ended up putting some sanctions on the table. What have the dynamics been there over the past six months?

Chris Miller: The last six months in Russia have seen Congress officially not play much role at all. They put sanctions legislation on the table and then pulled it back actually after Trump requested it. But there have been a number of Republican senators who have been influential in shaping Trump’s thinking. Lindsey Graham, for example, seems to have played a role in shaping Trump’s thinking on Putin over the last six months and the way that Putin is stringing along.

We’re going to Alaska later this week, and maybe all that will prove irrelevant if Trump changes his mind. But it does seem like you could argue that even though Congress has done nothing on Russia, in fact, it has helped change thinking in the White House. I wonder if this would be true here, but this seems like a place where Trump’s going to make more of his own decisions, especially insofar as it intersects with the China trade negotiations, which it seems like it may.

Jordan Schneider: It’s less salient than a land war.

Chris Miller: There’s no domestic constituency.

Jordan Schneider: Just weirdos with tech national security podcasts.

Nvidia Chips Past the H20

Chris Miller: Before this week, it was reported that Nvidia is coming out with a downgraded version of some new downgraded chip post-H20, the B40 or B30. That’s now irrelevant because of H20.

Lennart Heim: It’s unclear. We flip-flopped the decision on the H20, but notably there is still a license requirement. Nvidia had a license granted, so if they wanted to go all the way back, they could have removed the license requirement. From October 2023 to April 2025, there was no license requirement. Then they introduced the license requirement, which is still intact. The only thing which happened as of last Friday is they granted the licenses according to reporting.

If they still want to sell a chip which is not subject to export controls, they would produce a new chip called B30 or B40. It needs to be below the computational power threshold, so the same as H20, and also have lower memory bandwidth.

According to the reporting, I think the FT leaked what is in the formulation — it needs to be less than 1.4 terabyte per second memory bandwidth. The H20 is at four terabyte per second, so the B40 would probably not use HBM anymore. It would probably use an inferior memory technology, but significantly cheaper because why use HBM if you can’t have that much memory bandwidth anyway? It’s so-called GDDR technology, which you usually use for graphics GPUs.

If people talk about this being only the fourth best chip, I don’t think H20 is the fourth best chip. The B30, B40 — that’s a more fair description of a fourth best chip, and I would still not call it an obsolete chip, but it’s definitely a worse chip. It’s only a chip where the US government at least decided, “Here’s where we draw the new lines. This chip is fine to be exported without a license,” so it could still be coming. I have not heard they’re stopping production yet. I guess Nvidia’s making a calculus right now on how much demand there is, but it’s clearly the case that H20 is better. The question is, will all the licenses be granted going forward?

Chris Miller: Trump said at the press conference a couple days ago that he’ll consider a downgraded Blackwell. Are there ways we should think about what that might look like, if in fact it materializes? Of course, with huge questions over whether or not that’s actually real.

Lennart Heim: One thing which stood out — he said ~ 30% or 15% to 50% less performance. What many people are missing about AI chips and computing chips is they get exponentially better. If your chip is 15% less, that’s nothing. That’s still the same generation.

If you really want to sell worse chips, you need to go back a few generations and then the chip needs to be like seven times worse, not only 50% or 15%.

There’s an argument to be made that you want to sell worse chips, but it’s not a little bit of a downgrade. We really need to take the exponentials into account. If we trim down a Blackwell chip, for example, a B200 by 15% to 50%, it’s still roughly twice or three times as good as the Huawei chip. We can produce millions of them while Huawei struggles, according to reporting, to produce 200,000 this year.

That’s a key thing to get right here. People need to keep in mind the exponentials — chips get exponentially better. Fifteen to 50% trim is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I would make my voice heard to say this is probably not a good idea of what we should be doing here. The government drew lines before, and the lines are way lower, and that’s where they should be.

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Mood Music

我的夏日奇遇:那些让你感觉碎掉的时刻,不是真的

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7月17日,我从西班牙出发,莫不谷从荷兰出发,游荡者平台产品经理及播客“思前想后”主播粽子从芬兰出发,女性朋友Ruya从瑞士出发,我们四位女性早早商量了要齐聚意大利米兰吃火锅,再从米兰坐火车去瑞士溯溪,徒步,在瑞士意大利语区的石头小屋里一起共居,度假,做饭和玩游戏。

人多不仅热闹,还可以结伴探索各种美食,因为瑞士美食荒漠且价格昂贵,我们从意大利米兰打包了各种食物,又在返回米兰的两天时间里大快朵颐。在Ruya的推荐下,我第一次吃到东北麻辣拌,做好的麻辣拌放在冰箱冷藏后,拿出来吃酸酸甜甜辣辣,夏天吃起来简直太爽口了,米兰东北小店里卖的凉拌牛筋面都意外的好吃,在瑞士吃上干湿隔离打包的牛筋面,酸甜辣爽荟萃,再下点面条拌在汤汁里增加分量,别提多好吃。25欧一份打包的米兰麻油鸭不能说价格便宜,但好吃的程度让人无法拒绝,我们在去森林徒步的路上走到一半便就地打开来吃,不知道老板究竟怎么做的,鸭肉被紧实地压缩附在骨头上,麻油鸭调料的滋味仿佛入到骨髓,就是那种骨头上没多少肉却总想把每一个骨头都啃得干干净净才罢休的上头,于是回到米兰我们立刻再买了一份带回荷兰。

另外在米兰发现一家拥有美食不可能四角的中餐厅“江南食府”,即味道好吃的同时服务还热情,同时价格便宜(比上海便宜,在欧洲物价感人),还能做到每天营业,后来得知老板有三个孩子要养,所以在欧洲也这么拼。从瑞士返回米兰的两天时间,粽子,我,还有莫不谷去吃了四顿,每天几乎快住在餐馆里,飞往荷兰前还打包一堆带上飞机。最让我念念不忘的是她们家的金丝饭和香辣蟹。金丝饭是将土豆切细丝下锅油炸,搭配米饭一起,最后还在米饭上面放上肉松,油而不腻,口感丰富,人生第一次吃米饭吃得这么上头。而香辣蟹是裹着一层调的咸淡相宜的面糊过油炸,再搭配葱蒜辣椒爆炒,香而不辣,特别是这个面糊,简直太香太对我的胃口,比蟹肉还好吃。

虽然我刚在投入地描述瑞士和意大利米兰游荡行程的精彩滋味,但对于我来说,差一点,这一切都没有发生。

出发前人在西班牙的我情绪状态并不好,也因为“灾难化思维”容易被很微小的事情击垮,觉得什么事都没有意义,陷入自我怀疑和否定的负面情绪里,还因为想要解决情绪问题在一句西班牙语也不会的情况下去医院挂了精神科,因为我的西班牙私立保险需要先就诊才能使用心理咨询资源。如果大家有收听“终身学习1:学会面对真问题,不逃避,下决心和谈分离”这期电话录音播客,就有了解我在情绪低谷时,会很容易想要躲避一切,也切断与外界的一切。当时情绪不好的我马上就要出发游荡,和莫不谷,粽子,Ruya集合。从每一次过往的游荡经验来看,我能预想到游荡之旅快乐,精彩,我也能预想到自己在游荡过程中会恢复活力,精神,展现出好的状态。但我就因为知道会变好,反而产生了恐惧和一些抗拒。我想放过自己,不想再让自己辛苦,失望,便有一种强烈的情绪冲动要把提前好久定的机票行程全部取消,即使造成金钱损失,或者需要和朋友沟通,也比好了以后状态又变糟糕来的要好。

现在人在荷兰的我回想过去这一段,我想说,“那时你想错了,幸好你决定出门。”游荡路上,莫不谷和我分享她看到的一个帖子,在《恶作剧之吻》里扮演留农的台湾明星刘容嘉在庆祝自己42岁生日的时候写到,“今天來到地球42年了,常常也有碎掉的時候,今天突然有個感覺,那些碎掉的東西不是真的,只是我內在投射出來的幻相,因為真實的東西是碎不了的,既然如此,就讓他碎掉吧!”

(刘容嘉的生日ins)

我在游荡出发前那段感受到害怕,恐惧,孤立,绝望的时刻不是真的,它们也不能让我真的碎掉。人不能在自我感受碎掉的时候选择放弃。什么是放弃呢?我想,逃避,退缩,离开,这些看起来熟悉,有着令我情绪安心的确定性,是放弃,放弃迎接生活,放弃拥抱可能,放弃新的自我生发。放弃是一条看起来容易却越走越艰难的路,面对是一条看起来艰难,但只要上路,会越走越轻松的路。放弃只需要做一个动作,放弃,但面对,主动解决问题需要一系列积极的动作,既要有精神动力对抗负面情绪,又要有实际的行动力,做起来并不容易,但对拯救自我而言,是正确的,对自己真正有帮助的选择。

刚开始抗拒,甚至想要放弃这次游荡行程的我,现在不仅因为荷兰夏日凉爽不想走,还定了10月再来荷兰的机票,甚至明年7月再来荷兰的计划,现在荷兰已经当之无愧成为我来过次数最多的欧洲国家,也因为莫不谷的各种讲解“导游”,我对荷兰的熟悉了解甚至超过荷兰本地人(一些夸张)。

其实今年四月复活节我就已经来荷兰度过了绿意盎然的春天,这次7月再来荷兰,是恰巧得知我在荷兰的研究生同学是云贵川菜高手,莫不谷便组了一个云贵川美食盛宴的女性聚会,粽子也被美食吸引过来,于是在结束瑞士米兰行程后,粽子、我跟着莫不谷一起飞回荷兰,开启了荷兰长达一周多的游荡,除了云贵川美食盛宴,还安排了去阿姆斯特丹看梵高,去鹿特丹参加无限夏日加勒比狂欢节,还偶遇了Free Fashion,每人可以免费选3件衣物,去海牙参加飞地书店酷儿观影,看博物馆,又一起吃欧洲最好吃的正宗新疆大盘鸡,去乌特勒支美到惊人的德哈尔童话城堡散步野餐,在米菲的家乡乌特勒支市中心闲逛,让我一时难以区分海牙和乌特在我心里究竟谁更美,还第一次去了奈梅亨这个城市,竟意外五折买到了我最近急需又非常好穿的亚瑟士运动鞋,并且计划明年来奈梅亨参加世界最大的四日徒步活动,如果我的运动鞋能支撑到明年,我就穿着奈梅亨买的运动鞋来奈梅亨徒步,莫不谷到时候第一天来给我们加油,最后一天来给我们喝彩。粽子听说了荷兰国王节吊单杠100秒就有机会获得一百欧元时,决定回芬兰强身健体,说不准就有机会赢得这比奖金。

由于荷兰夏天太舒服,二十多度的温度凉爽宜人,森林植被茂密还很少有蚊虫,加上莫不谷等朋友们都在荷兰,我就不想回西班牙一个人过三十多度的热夏。于是我决定在荷兰找找打工换宿的机会,既可以留在荷兰,还不用花钱,最理想的是去遛狗,做我有兴趣且做起来不累的事。

结果刚好找到了一个荷兰女性host,目前离婚单身,带着三个孩子,在孩子外出和爸爸度假期间,她需要人手帮忙搭建鸡窝,花园除草,打扫卫生,投喂猫咪,每天上午工作,中间coffee time休息,下午和周末都是自由时间,可以森林徒步,骑行,自行安排,期间host提供食宿。虽然这个项目没有我最想干的遛狗,但刚好和我的时间匹配,又能解决食宿,而且还是女性(不考虑任何男性host项目),我就出发去了。

第一次打工换宿的体验不仅没有想象的困难反而收获太多意外之喜。首先是语言沟通,我的英文沟通只有基础日常,host虽然是荷兰人但英文相当流利且清晰,我每天用蹩脚英文交流沟通,感觉自己听说都有明显提高,而host也说这是她第一次和中国人有这么深入的交流,因为之前遇到的中国人可能会英文但不敢开口,很难有更多的交流,开口很关键,说错了再修正就是。对于学习倦怠的我来说,这种在日常生活中学习的方法不仅没有学习的抵触情绪,而且没有学习带来的压力,是一个能减少很多痛苦的学习语言的方法。

其次是美食体验,我原本做好了每天白人饭的准备,对荷兰本地人的厨艺不抱有任何期待,没想到见面第一晚,host做的南瓜汤,蒜香炒饭,蘑菇炒面都惊人的好吃,完全符合亚洲人胃口,加上每日咖啡,牛奶,水果,饮料,饭前甜品零食,饭后冰淇淋自助,晚上还有tea time一起喝茶聊天,感觉自己像是老鼠掉进蜜缸里。更重要的是在打工换宿的这段时间,自己意外得到很多recover。

打工换宿期间,我总是忍不住想多做点活,给host搭把手,但host却常常劝我别多干,多休息。在我主动要刷碗时,host说几个人一起吃的饭,你自己刷我觉得不舒服,放在那里稍晚我们一起干我会感觉更好。host外出度假,我在家独自看家干活时,host很满意我的工作成果,下一句就是问,有没有balance工作和休息,如果我不能充分享受自己的时间,就必须一起沟通解决这个问题,因为她希望我能充分休息,充分享受属于自己的时间和生活。host的每次询问,都像是一次提醒,除了physical work,你有做到好好休息吗?你有享受自己的时间吗?不要忽略你自己的感受和你的生活。

host家里养了两只迷你矮脚鸡,其中有一只鸡因为伙伴去世而抑郁,总是呆在窝里不出来,所以host让我每天白天把鸡放出来散步放风,喂水喂食物,还会喂面包虫补充蛋白质。鸡窝里孩子们种了一棵榛子树苗,为了保护树苗,也尊重理解鸡喜欢刨土挖虫的本性,就给树苗也修了栅栏。host住在森林度假露营区,附近都是森林,交通不是很便利,为了方便我在自由时间探索,host便帮我找了一辆自行车,还给我推荐骑行路线,当我骑着自行车去森林里放风时,我感觉我在照顾depressed的鸡,host在照顾depressed的我。

事实上,在这个家呆几天,你就会发现任何有生命的物体在这里都能感受到自由,爱意和尊重。家里的小猫Tiger,除了猫窝猫砂盆,小朋友亲手给它做了纸箱,画上了老虎的手工标识,还给它送了老虎的长抱枕,让它睡的舒服。Tiger每天猫粮和水不断,晚上还有肉罐头,三天消耗一罐,但host说,可以多给它,因为小猫也会馋。Tiger是自由且享受野外的猫咪(已绝育),为了给它提供便利,host在里外两道门里分别安装了猫门🚪,让它进出自由,也因此晚上Tiger常常骄傲地分享打猎成果,把我吓得半死,host还在家里墙上给猫咪装了猫抓板玩,当然整个家都是Tiger的大型猫抓板,想抓哪里抓哪里。

还有这个家的小朋友,打工换宿期间她们不在家,但我能处处感受到孩子被充分地关爱。十几岁的孩子下午两点就放学,然后host挨个接三个孩子送她们去同学家朋友家玩。度假屋院子里很大一块区域布置了滑滑梯,跳床,各种玩具,还搞了一个泳池每天过滤自来水,想让孩子能有夏日泳池。在我除草的时候,host交待,注意保护孩子种的幸运四叶草,别因为不起眼被割掉。在我搭建鸡窝的时候,host交待,希望小朋友每天方便进出和鸡玩,最好考虑儿童安全和方便。聊天的时候,host说会让孩子多去森林野外,让她们接触户外和真实的世界,也让她们知道(才知道荷兰有儿童友好的naked 露营区)人就是有高矮胖瘦,人的身体是会变化的,通过这样的教育,让孩子们避免社交媒体偶像带来的身材焦虑。

打工换宿的体验一切都看起来很美好,我的认真努力也让host非常满意,甚至主动邀请我10月再来帮她看家,那时候她要带小朋友去摩洛哥度假。然而就在结束的前一天,我闯了一个大祸,差点把host家厨房给烧了。事情是中午我打算做个炒肉丝,当我将切好的蒜放进平底锅里时,热了太久火力太足的锅遇到还有水的蒜,立刻冒起来一米高的火焰,这是我这辈子见过最高的火焰,把我吓得立刻关掉燃气,正当我回过神要善后时,烟雾报警器立刻响个不停,于是我赶忙给host打电话说明情况,在她的指导下关闭了报警器,又赶紧把现场情况拍视频发给她,承诺尽最大努力清理现场。运气很好的是,厨房和头顶只有一层薄薄的黑烟,加点洗洁精清洁一新,没有造成任何损失。但这件事让我心有余悸,接下来再也没开火,连着几顿吃面包牛奶水果。

这件事也让我心情一转,甚至担心积攒的reputation一朝尽毁,开始考虑是否主动提出取消10月的housesit安排,避免再有这种风险。host回来后和我说,很高兴房屋并没有被烧,你没出事,这也很重要。这件事也给你带来很大压力,如果你愿意,10月份还是希望继续过来帮忙看家。我立刻回复,只要你同意,我这边没有问题。差点搞砸但又被信任的感觉真是太好了,你看,我也没有真的搞砸。

从7月17日离开西班牙,到现在快一个月了,我的这个夏天,美味,有趣,跌宕起伏又很神奇,重要的是,还很凉爽,尽管这两天荷兰也临时升温了。所以,如果因为抑郁焦虑折磨痛苦,如果一个人太孤单,如果找不到生活的意义失去兴趣,如果生活没有规律失去掌控,别放弃出门,试试游荡,去搭个鸡窝,做做木工,去花园除草,去帮人喂猫,完全不用动脑,还能及时得到反馈。如果有可能,最好来欧洲体验,来小鸡抑郁也能得到照顾,好好生活的地方。

那些让你感觉碎掉的时刻,不是真的。

为全球华人游荡者提供解决方案的平台:游荡者(www.youdangzhe.com)
这世界的辽阔和美好,游荡者知道。使用过程中遇到问题,欢迎联系客服邮箱wanderservice2024@outlook.com.

【放学以后文章&书籍&其它】

解锁放学以后《创作者手册:从播客开始说起》:https://afdian.com/item/ffcd59481b9411ee882652540025c377

解锁莫不谷《做一个“蓄意”的游荡者》口袋书:
爱发电:https://afdian.com/item/62244492ae8611ee91185254001e7c00微信公众号:《放学以后After school》(提示安卓用户可下载“爱发电”app,苹果用户可把爱发电主页添加至手机桌面来使用,目前爱发电未上线苹果商店)

Newsletter订阅链接:https://afterschool2021.substack.com/(需科学/上 网)

联系邮箱:afterschool2021@126.com (投稿来信及合作洽谈)

为全球华人游荡者提供解决方案的平台:游荡者(www.youdangzhe.com)

小红书:游荡者的日常

同名YouTube:https://www.youtube.com/@afterschool2021

同名微信公众号:放学以后after school

欢迎并感谢大家在爱发电平台为我们的创作发电:https://afdian.com/a/afterschool

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【海外】Spotify、Apple podcast、Google podcast、Snipd、Overcast、Castbox、Amazon Music、Pocket Casts、Stitcher、Radio Public、Wordpress

Before yesterdayReading

加州豪宅中的婴儿工厂

12 August 2025 at 12:23

今天,我们讲一个发生在加州,震动了全美国的案件。美国各大电视网、主要纸媒、各家通讯社,都做了报导。其中《华尔街日报》的报导最为详细。这个故事从一个被虐待后送医院救治的婴儿开始,牵扯出22个孩子和一对神秘的中国移民夫妇。它发生在加州Arcadia一栋豪宅中,媒体顺藤摸瓜,揭开了一条跨国灰色产业链内幕。

Arcadia是洛杉矶城郊的一座富裕城镇,近十几年吸引了大批有钱的中国移民,他们在这里买下很多房产。

今年5月6日,洛杉矶一家医院收治了一名两个月大的婴儿。婴儿就诊时,昏迷不醒,被诊断为颅内出血。医院怀疑婴儿受到虐待,果断报警。

警察按照医院提供的地址,来到一栋价值数百万美元的豪宅。豪宅内的景象让他们震惊:除了就医的那名婴儿,还有15个幼童,他们都剃着平头,由6名保姆照看。这看着不像一个正常的家庭。警方检查了监控录像,看到的画面令人不安:蹒跚学步的幼童被保姆打脸、打屁股、体罚。

警察顺着线索,又在洛杉矶地区的几处住所中,找到了另外6个孩子。加上Acadia豪宅中的那15个,还有医院里的那个,总共22个孩子。豪宅的主人是一对中国移民夫妇。女主人是张女士,38岁——报导中都是用她的英文名字Silvia Zhang,她的中文名字不详。男主人是宣先生,65岁——报导中都是用他的拼音名字Guojun Xuan,他的中文名字也是不详。

张女士说这22个孩子都是她的,她喜欢大家庭。警察检查了孩子的出生证明,上面也都写着母亲是张女士,父亲是宣先生。但有个问题,让警方觉得蹊跷:这些孩子都是在短短几年内出生,而且出生在美国不同的州。从生理上讲,这是不可能的——张女士不可能在几年内生出22个孩子。初步调查后,警方说,这22个孩子中,有1到2个是张女士生的,其他都是由分布在不同州的代孕母亲生的。

警察发现15个孩子的那栋豪宅,不仅是张女士和宣先生的家,而且还是一家名为“Mark Surrogacy Investment”(“马克代孕投资”)的总部。而张女士就是经营这家公司的负责人。《华尔街日报》的报导说,她来自中国,2011年跟一位比她大40岁的男人,生过一个孩子,并移民到美国。后来,两人离婚。宣先生来自中国新疆,他的房产经纪公司跟一家中国公司合作,曾在洛杉矶一带买卖过100多栋房产。

根据监控录像,警方确认那名颅内出血的婴儿,遭到保姆虐待。肇事保姆是56岁的Li Chunmei,从名字判断,来自中国。监控录像显示,她剧烈摇晃孩子头部,并抽打孩子。那位保姆目前在逃。警方已经发出通缉令。

但这显然不是一起普通的虐待孩童案。警察逮捕了张女士和宣先生。当地政府迅速把所有孩子带离,安置寄养。这起案件涉及不同的州,而且涉嫌贩卖人口,复杂诡异,超出了地方警察独立处理的范围。警察紧急联系联邦调查局(FBI)介入调查,调查的重心从虐待孩童案,转向贩卖人口。

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#090 为何你总是被“人渣”盯上?

10 August 2025 at 12:50

今天聊一个问题:为什么有些人老是被人渣盯上,为什么有些人的孩子老是被人渣盯上?先给大家念一段话:

“小时候母亲说,当你遇到困难时,如果吓得两腿发软,一心想逃跑,你会输得很惨。相反,如果你敢对困难说——‘有种你就过来’,勇敢面对,你受到的伤害反而会少。打架也好,生病也好,无论什么事,畏畏缩缩,你就输定了。”

这句话不是我写的,是出自日本作家伊坂幸太郎的作品《再见,黑鸟》。我第一次看到这段话,是在推特上。当时,有位网名叫Dr. Wang的推友,转帖了这段话。我看过以后,深有感触,忍不住在下面评论了一句:

“沉稳但不胆怯、勇敢但不鲁莽,能让大部分人免于伤害。大大小小的人渣在找伤害对象时,都是挑选容易的目标——最容易的目标,是那些胆怯的人或鲁莽的人。”

今天,我们把这个话题展开讲一讲。

“人渣”这个词是个大箩筐,统称那些主动伤害别人的“孬蛋”,美国人叫scumbag。“人渣”这种叫法可能听起来“政治不正确”,但这里本来就不是个“政治正确”播客。这里更关心的是语言要准确反应现实,只要现实中有人渣,语言把人渣叫“人渣“,这是语言的基本功能。

“人渣”是一种现象描述,不是终身定性。有些“人渣”可以选择改过自新,变成正常人。但这不取决于你我,这完全取决于他们自己。我更关心的是,普通人如何防范“人渣”,尽量避免被他们恶意伤害。

“人渣”的行为特点是主动找茬,欺凌别人,伤害别人,但要伤害谁,他们是有选择的。我们先来看一看,“人渣”是如何挑选目标的?他们的“选择算法”是什么?

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#089 中国崩溃论

8 August 2025 at 06:05

在讲“中国崩溃论”之前,先说几句我们这个时代,一种非常流行的精神疾病。它不分国界,不分左右,感染力极强。我把它叫做“崩溃综合症”。

听众可能对这种病的症状一点都不陌生:一个人,从早晨睁开眼,到晚上闭眼睡觉,眼睛和手离不开手机屏幕,不停刷新闻,刷论坛,刷社交媒体。内心深处,潜意识中,好象在等待一个信号,期待看到一条石破天惊的爆炸性新闻——“某某人死了!“”某某政府垮了!”、“某某货币一夜归零,变成废纸!”、“某某国家一夜崩溃了!”。这就是“崩溃综合症”。

这些年,世界上流行五花八门的崩溃论,中文世界比较熟悉的,像“中国崩溃论”、“中共崩溃论”,“美元崩溃论”、“欧元崩溃论”、“民主崩溃论”……这些崩溃论戏本的主角,都是同一个原型,就是一个让普通人感觉无比强大、坚不可摧、又无能为力的庞然大物。“崩溃论患者”,就象看水晶球的女巫,翻来覆去分析各种“崩溃“的蛛丝马迹,像经济数据、政治丑闻、社会裂痕、街头抗议、警民冲突。中文油管还有一批身怀绝技的听床师,隔着太平洋听中南海,过一阵就惊呼崩溃一次。

面对一个他们痛恨的强大对象,他们无能为力,又不甘心,但唯一的反抗武器是头脑中的幻想,幻想他们痛恨的对象,会像多米诺骨牌一样,从一个事件开始,一发不可收拾,瞬间戏剧性坍塌。

这种心态,会让人想到一个遥远的历史场景。公元999年,欧洲一些基督徒活在一种狂热的期盼中。他们相信,当公元1000年的钟声敲响时,耶稣将重临世界,启动末日审判,这个充满罪恶和苦难的世界将被终结,一个“新天新地”将会降临。他们变卖家产,新年夜聚集在教堂,彻夜祈祷,等待末日审判和救赎时刻到来。然而,公元1000年的钟声响过,太阳照常升起,世界并没有毁灭,新开新地并没有降临。

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#088 人心未死的72小时

7 August 2025 at 12:51

今天,我想从一个问题开始:一个被霸凌的14岁女孩子的眼泪,需要多久才能流淌进成千上万普通人的心中,汇聚成愤怒的洪流,撼动一座中国的城市?

我们从四川江油看到的答案是,72个小时。

8月2日,中国的社交网络开始流传一段长达10分45秒的视频。视频中,一个女孩在废弃楼房中被几名女子殴打、羞辱。两天后,也就是8月4日,四川江油市警方发布通告,称被打女孩14岁,法医鉴定为轻微伤。参与打人的女子,从13岁到15岁不等,警方对其中两名实施“治安处罚”;对其他参与打人、录像和围观的人员“批评教育”,责令监护人严加管教。

当地很多民众不满处理结果,认为处罚过轻,网上开始流传各种消息,说受害女孩母亲是聋哑人,父亲是文盲,无权无势,而施暴者是官二代,暗示警方官官相护。警方通告发布后的第二天,也就是8月5日,数千名愤怒的市民涌向街头,到江油市政府前抗议,他们只有一个诉求,一个很卑微的诉求:为那个被霸凌的女孩,讨一个公道。

但他们等来的,不是官员的安抚和承诺,而是不断加强的警戒线,声色俱厉的警告,警察的殴打、驱散。强力镇压之后,市面迅速恢复平静。

这起事件,像一块棱镜,折射出中国现有统治方式一个难解的悖论,用一句话来概括,就是“强控制,弱治理”。因为政府治理水平低下,一起未成年人霸凌事件,72小时就演化成震撼整座城市的群体抗议,而它强大的“控制”能力,则在24小时内让一座愤怒的城市静音。

中国的国家机器,在控制社会,控制国民方面,效率惊人。一声令下,可以封锁整座城市,压制任何不稳定因素,消灭任何呼声。这是一种自上而下的、以维护政权和秩序为最高目标的强大管控能力。但“治理”能力,也就是提供公共服务、执行法律程序、回应民众诉求等专业能力,却是它的系统性短板。

江油霸凌事件的演变,完美地展示了这条“弱治理”的链条,是如何一环扣一环地失灵,最终把愤怒的民众推向街头。

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当铺天盖地的不确定性一起袭来时,人会惊见自己的弹性

前段时间我发了一篇文章我们穿过河流,去上岸还是来溯溪?,里面提到我了我最近遇到了非常多不确定性。这篇文章就是来讲述我此前一段时间遇到了哪些不确定性:甚至几乎每一件都事关生存。可能几年前的我遇到其中一件就会崩溃,但是如今它们一起袭来时我却从中惊见了自己的弹性:我可以在变化的河流中生存和继续行动。我没有被任何一件事导致精神瘫痪,行动无力。甚至我也没有因为这些事齐发而去诉诸玄学

这是来自不确定的6月的漂流瓶,祝福你在人生的河流收到它时也能获得一些抚慰:没什么大不了的,只要应对变化,总有解决办法

不知道是否每个人都会在一段时间集中面对铺天盖地的不确定性,我最近就遇到了。而且遇到的密度之高,令人咋舌。

我面对这些事情还能没崩溃,好好活着,我都佩服我自己。因为要是电影电视剧编剧写到一个人要是遇到这些事,就感觉这个人穷途末路彻底崩塌了(当然电影里后面这个人也会开始戏剧性地触底反弹,否极泰来)。

先是上个月突然被通知原本明年年底到期的房子被卖了中介,中介又必须给房子重新装修提高能源等级才能获得融资,所以我们必须尽快搬走。

荷兰本来找房就是地狱模式,我又在高强度每天十来个小时的学习,每个月都得有很难的考试,压根没有时间和精力去找房。而且租房市场价格又飙升(我现在的房子把能源水电税等等全包后是400欧左右,而我室友因为被要求搬家找到的房子价格都在800欧以上),我要以比我现在高很多的价格去租新的房子,还要收拾东西搬家,还要在所有留下地址的地方修改地址,比如各种市政府相关的网站等等……

每天光想想这个事都头皮发麻。我还找了法律咨询来咨询赔偿问题,因为不想平白接受这个结果,争取权益的同时也额外给自己增加了事情。

这个月初呢,学习完的一个深夜洗完澡正在床边吹着头发,吹风机突然开始着火,还好我反应快速敏捷,没让火烧到了我的床,避免了一次深夜火灾。接下来又要去找品牌提示风险(避免同系列产品在新的消费者身上出现同样的问题)并进行追偿,各种联系,寄回产品,等待品牌给我寄一个新品,等待期间也不能不洗头不吹头发,又找室友借吹风机。室友可能看我太惨,在放吹风机的地方给我留了点吃的,我在有潜在成为homeless的时刻提前感受了homeless的待遇。

原本在国内因为总加班不能规律吃饭和重压导致的胃溃疡,因为年初的在机场冰冷地板睡了一觉后重发烧重感冒,几天没吃东西一直躺在床上全身作痛狂流虚汗,还空腹吃了扑热息痛,直接导致了胃食管反流。一开始重感冒每天嗓子完全说不了话,不仅痛还有痰。感冒好了嗓子里还是一直有异物感,每天晚上把异物吐出来的时候里面都有血,查了才知道是胃食管反流灼烧咽喉造成的。

最近因为房子的事情压力陡升,胃食管反流症状也开始加重。但是我住的地方附近的家庭医生全部被注册满了,不接受新人注册,所以我没迟迟没办法去看荷兰的家庭医生。最后我就用丁香医生视频问诊看了一下。医生给我开的药,在荷兰也都是处方药,我没注册家庭医生又拿不了药。一切又进入一个绝望感很重的循环。

在这种情况下又收到学校的邮件发现秋季的学费飙升,我又必须在房子不确定,学习重压,签证不确定,等等生存危机下看看工作的机会,否则就得交付高额学费。而现在离秋季只有2个月了,我还要每天疯狂学习,面对还有4场的考试,找房子和咨询律师,以及应对着着胃的灼烧和反流。

更离谱的是呢,我各种研究和努力面对所有挑战的时候,手机在中午我正在吃饭看荷兰语视频进行被动式输入的时候,突然闪了一下绿光:然后黑屏了。

各种研究发现是手机用了太久(快7年了),老化导致屏坏了,用不了了。而我每天还得用手机来登录学校的系统(需要手机的MFA验证码才能登录),明天荷兰火车罢工,线下课改成线上,老师会把线上课的链接分享在学校的系统里,而我没有手机压根上不了那个系统获得链接。下周的考试也必须用手机才能登录上考试系统。

总之,在各种成本猛增的情况下,我又必须花钱买一个新手机了。而我这个用了多年的旧华为手机(当时也是上一个手机突然在上班的时候坏了,完全用不了,必须立刻买一个新的接着工作,没有时间研究任何手机类型,直接买了同事刚买的机型),有很多时间节点,我都必须换新手机,但是我都硬生生给它逆天改命让它继续使用了下去。

先是出国前因为垃圾华为系统使用不了谷歌系统,无法下载海外生活所需的任何app,包括学校必须要用的系统。面对这种情况它就应该被换掉,但是我用尽了各种办法,让它成功能在荷兰正常使用。

去年我在荷兰使用的银行又宣布因为现在所有的苹果和安卓手机都自带Pin支付(线下付款的时候直接手机一贴就能付款)的功能,它就不继续提供这项服务了。而国产的华为手机并不能在海外使用这个功能啊!而没有这个功能,我的生活简直寸步难行(除非退回新石器时代:每天带现金。霸王花就是这么干的),而我是断断不能接受这种生活毫无必要的麻烦的,我又各种研究逆天改命给它装上了带PIN功能的系统。

它的手机电量也掉得快到吓死人,而且充电宝无法给它充进去电,出门半天手机电量基本就完了。我又在纽约法拉盛花很少的钱给它换了电池。上周我还给它买了5个新的手机透明壳和钢化膜来保护它,我的手机最近简直焕然一新,清新又闪烁,我对它充满了再造的情谊,感觉与其说是华为创造了这个手机,不如说我创造了这个真的能在海外普遍适用的手机。

而就在这种情况下,它坏了。彻底坏了。所有的逆天改命和装修再造都在今天失效了。

我又必须花钱买一个新手机,而各种研究最后决定买一个手机的时候,付款又遇到了问题:新手机购买必须要我旧手机app的验证才能成功付款,而旧手机坏了无法启动。

电影中的人遇到这些,估计已经想杀人了。

但是我利用的电脑上登录的苟延残喘的网页版微信,请一位朋友帮我付了新手机的款,和周末要在飞书开会的朋友说了我的情况,提前搞好了周末也能顺利开会的解决方案,用网页版whatsapp问我同学要到了明天线上课的链接,骑车去看了一个房子,又骑车来到学校,从一个好心的女生那里拿到了药(她也有用样的胃病,在我求助后愿意把自己正在吃的药匀给我一点),我还拿了两个小饼干送给她,她说她原本正好想去买。我们就互道感谢离开。

我还问了一下chatgpt,因为我不相信玄学,不相信水逆这套叙事,所以我想给我这些不确定性和电器集中失灵找一下科学的原因。GPT说一方面是我这俩电器的确用很久了,另一方面可能是因为我住的房子里的电源电路插座有问题。

而的确是!我床头充电的插座(给吹风机和手机充电的)是松的,之前我的一个台灯插在上面每天就忽闪忽闪最后还坏了,我原本以为是台灯的问题,现在可以确定是插座的问题。

而我住的房子电路老化,插座摇晃,也恰恰证明了它真的需要大规模维修!我对房东或者中介的怨念也没那么深了。更不会去诉诸玄学感叹命运流年了。

而学费突然上涨呢?是因为之前PVV(荷兰最极端右翼,反移民,民粹主义的政党)上台,宣布要大幅减少荷兰的国际学生,提高学费。而这两天呢!有一个好新闻!PVV党魁说其它人都不同意他的激进的反移民政策,他工作推进不下去,怒而辞职。所以现在PVV就退出了内阁,荷兰内阁现在开始进入“看守政府”状态(暂时维持现状,不推出新的政策),等待新的大选来临。

虽然我被垃圾咬了一口,但是现在看垃圾崩溃破防,我又觉得开心了起来!虽然新的大选可能也并不能尽如人意,但是垃圾崩溃破防辞职就值得庆祝!要是特朗普也能这样崩溃辞职就好了,世界人民可以一起遥祝举杯!

朋友说她看了新闻很开心,我说Me too! 我建议Me too 运动以后也可以加一项:看到男垃圾崩溃退出,you are super happy? Oh me too!

最后来更新这些问题的现状:

1.经过我和飞利浦多个客服部门的沟通,已经收到了飞利浦给我寄来的比我之前版本贵很多质量更好的吹风机。

2.经过我每天专注且有效的学习,荷兰语B1课程已经全部上完且结业考试全部考完,每次考试都高分通过并且结业的时候让我害怕听力和口语考试也全通过了(我们班好几位男性同学听力和口语比我好很多都没有通过,全部通过所有考试的有且只有我们班包括我在内的三位女性。开始结果出来后我还和另外两位女性同学发消息:女性的胜利!)。接下来我还报了荷兰的B1入籍考试,因为我B1课程最让我害怕的考试我已经趟过了,所以入籍考试的我也不害怕了。入籍考试7月已经考了阅读,8月考听力,每天还在未来不确定中抢写作和口语的考位。

3.经历过我不妥协于高价的坚持,在我现在住的房子的街后面找到了房子,还是四百多欧,离超市更加近,且合租人数更少,虽然没有现在房子里的院子了,但是家对面有个小公园。且现在房子的卧室和小客厅有一点点空间区分,相当于我有了一个工作室,也是很不错。而且搬家的时间节点也刚好是8月初,可以等我和朋友们原定的游荡计划回来后再搬家。

我本来以为自己找到离家巨近且不算太贵的房子已经够幸运,结果认识的新朋友有车,主动问我要不要她帮我用她的车来把东西运过去,我说我本来以为我已经足够幸运,没想到还可以更幸运!

当然也有不幸的事情,新房子又是从一个男性手里接手的,简直脏到可怕,还好因为我在荷兰组了一个云贵川盛宴的局(这个也是幸运非凡,我的旧家刚好室友全搬走了,我有一两周自己坐享整个House,就有空间让大家来我家居住,做饭和吃饭,也让我得偿在欧洲想吃却吃不到云贵菜的夙愿),把霸王花也吸引来了荷兰,刚好盛宴过后我搬家,所以霸王花和我一起面对了脏到绝望的新家,帮我一起把新家整理清洁刀可以居住的水平。

4.胃食管反流经过吃了陌生朋友给的药和自己超市买的药也大大好转。

5.正好利用要找工作的工作的契机,把自己这几年重新梳理了一遍,把自己所有的想做的事,核心优势和不擅长不想做的事细细地一条条地列了下来,对自己的了解和看见更深了,人生倘若不是有生存危机,就难有这样大动干戈,全面性自我观察并落到笔头的契机。虽然现在欧洲的暑假开始了,7-8月很多人都不工作,在这个时间阶段找工作几乎难于登天,但是我也决定先尽完我能尽的人事。前两天和朋友聚会,一个和霸王花同病相怜的朋友问霸王花能不能说出自己灵魂层面的3个优点,霸王花想了好些天都还没想出来,而我通过准备找工作的梳理,给自己找到了快10个。所以人即使有工作,不找工作,也应当定期找一找契机,挖掘一下自己的能力和优点,看看自己的“箱子”里究竟有什么,知道自己的箱子里有一些独属于自己的宝藏,人会对自己更有确信,也会面对不确定性有更大的弹性,更少的焦虑。

6.我还在荷兰语最后最艰难考试的间隙申请了一个学校的pre master,来为签证问题托底,这个申请也是花样百出,波折不断,比如需要我本科70多门课程的课程描述,需要我硕士学校的成绩单盖章,给的期限也都短到可怕,每一个都在死线上挣扎,但是我也想方设法,各种搜寻,各种写邮件打电话发信息,把资料搞定了。

7月底在米兰游荡从机场要坐飞机回荷兰的时候,收到了学校的conditional offer,需要我提供近两年内有效的雅思成绩,而我的雅思已经是四五年前考的。给我申请学签的最后期限是8月3号,在那之前我必须把英语成绩证明搞定,而我绝无可能在几天内整出来新的雅思成绩,我就写了一封洋洋洒洒的邮件申请成绩的豁免。但是只有专属学院才能审核我的豁免申请,而学院负责人暑期休假了。我又各种打电话发邮件解决,负责人同意8月4号给我审核,但是签证申请的ddl是8月3号,我又开始了大力出奇迹的操作,最后让签证部门同意把ddl给我拖延到8月4号,让学院负责人同意在假期就看我的豁免申请来赶上签证的最后期限(我真的在违背荷兰人的天性在行事)。最后我在8月4号清早成功拿到了英语成绩豁免的通知,并打电话给签证部门请它们开启我的签证申请。而在签证资料上传的过程中又遇到种种bug,我在4号一天又通过各种电话和我的技术操作把问题搞定。

目前上述问题还有一些结果未定,新的问题还在每天不断涌现,但是我在应对它们的过程中,又产生了更多的自我了解和自我认同。我想方设法解决危机的努力,让我变成了我最想成为的人:一个勇敢面对问题的人,有弹性承接问题的人,有理性有原则地解决问题的人。

我自己始终是我做一切的目的。现在我一切不确定的涌现,不是玄学的倒霉和水逆,更不是需要求神拜佛,而是命运的河流为我提供的契机:你更想成为你理想中的自己吗?现在机会来了。求神拜佛你会滑向深渊,求诸己身,你会发现人世间最需要膜拜的是自己。

脱口秀演员王小利姐姐在节目里面对自己上一轮失利最后擦线进入这一轮是否感到挫败这个问题时回答:“之前我一直觉得世界是围绕着我转的,但是我一直没有证据,这个事情让我找到了证据”(大意)。

我在解决如上所有不确定和困境的时候,很多事情在节奏和实践卡点上看着已经完全不可能了,但是我都发疯主动去探索所有的办法,让不可能的奇迹一次次发生。当这些奇迹一次次经由我的努力发生时,我也有时候会忍不住怀疑:“世界不会是围绕着我转的吧!?”

不过后来我找到了更好的答案:我是围绕着我自己转的。我太积极主动努力在转了,世界看我这么虔诚地在转,有时候它也忍不住向我转动的方向倾斜一下。

(还在百忙当中去瑞士和朋友们过了暑假完成了溯溪的愿望!)

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